Dating apps

I admit I was curious. That's what led me to install a dating app in the first place...

Some say that curiosity killed the cat. After all, I was plunging into uncharted territory here...

Thankfully, after more than a year, I'm not that cat! In fact, I've been lucky to meet some truly wonderful women...

What have I learned through this roller coaster of a ride? Here's an attempt at synthesising it all...

Context

• I am looking for a genuine long-term relationship but am in no rush to jump into one. I believe that, if a bond is meant to be, it will blossom into a relationship if both parties put in the time and effort.
• I believe in monogamy. However, I have no qualms about meeting multiple women in the initial stages. My views on monogamy are for an exclusive relationship that both people are explicit about.
• I prefer meeting over texting.
• I put stock in the vibe of the conversation to decide if I'd like to meet someone. And, if I want to meet, I'm direct about it. Nothing to lose and potentially something to gain, right?
• I see first meetings as a chance to intellectually connect with the person without any romantic connotations. I was upfront about this.
• I am up for meeting a second time unless there was a dealbreaker that came up during the first meeting. This led to bewilderment when women vanished without a trace, though we had interesting conversations when we met! 😓

In the reflections below, I have only included women who I met at least once. This excludes the countless matches who didn't say a word after matching, who texted sparingly, who abruptly ghosted/unmatched or with whom the conversation reached a point where unmatching was the only logical conclusion!

Why write this post now? Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I've had sufficient interactions from which to draw some meaningful insights! 😅

~ o ~ x ~ o ~

Ghosting is par for the course

Perhaps it is the digital nature of communication that primes some women into ghosting. Or, maybe they believe that they don't owe me the courtesy of closure, as we only met once or twice. Or, maybe they are avoiding what they believe will be an awkward/unpleasant conversation. Regardless of the reason, the result was a clueless me! Personally, I think it is basic human decency to get back to someone - especially if you have met them.

Such interactions ensured that my expectations around women's behaviour on the app, which were tempered to begin with, are practically non-existent now! 😂

Some data:

• Of the 19 women I met only once, 8 either ghosted or unmatched post our meeting without an explanation. Oddly, in 4 out of these 8 cases, we were texting about meeting a second time when the ghosting/unmatching happened!
• Of the 10 women I met twice, 4 ghosted or unmatched without an explanation.
• In the 7 cases where I met a women 3 or more times, no one ghosted or unmatched. Maybe, hitting this lucky number makes one immune!

So, I've been ghosted or unmatched (without explanation) by a third of the women I have met. Either there's something dreadfully wrong with me (!) or this is how things work on these apps! 😅

~ o ~ x ~ o ~

Initial spark matters to some

As I wrote in the 'Context' section, I look for an intellectual connection when I meet a woman for the first time. For me, that is a non-negotiable foundational piece on which emotional and physical connections can be built. And, in my view, building these connections takes time - something I am willing to give by meeting the woman a second time to get to know her better.

However, I met women who decided, after one meeting, that there was "no spark" or that they "do not see this going anywhere". In these 6 cases, there were no apparent dealbreakers and there was a healthy flow of conversation when we met. I appreciate the direct way in which these women expressed themselves (much better than ghosting!). Such interactions showed me that making judgements based on one meeting is a way of operating too.

~ o ~ x ~ o ~

Bonds are fickle and transient

This powerful realisation reared its ugly head in cases where we had met 3 or more times; I saw how seemingly innocuous elements could utterly destroy the bonds that we were building. Now, it's reached a stage where I expect something to come up and derail a promising rapport! 😑 A few snippets from different interactions...

• She wanted an exclusive relationship after meeting thrice. While we were building a great bond and there was potential, I wasn't ready for exclusivity yet. She told me she felt 'disrespected' because I was meeting other women and that's how it ended...
• We met 7 times in a variety of contexts; I thought it was going well and that, perhaps, we were nearing the stage of getting into a relationship. However, it emerged that she wanted someone who would 'constantly communicate' with her throughout the day and that was a dealbreaker for her. Initially, she thought that it wasn't critical but, over time, realised that it mattered a lot to her and this doomed our bond...
• We consistently met over 1.5 months though our homes were ~20 km apart (that's a lot in Bangalore! 😅). We reached a comfort level that suggested (to me) that things were headed in the right direction. Eventually, she decided to go ahead with a man who she was able to meet more frequently since their homes were close by. Distance played a role in sounding the death knell of our bond...
• After 3 meetings during which we hit it off well, she realised that she wasn't over her ex-boyfriend. Even though she enjoyed my company and felt that this could go somewhere, she wasn't ready. Our bond was nipped in the bud...

~ o ~ x ~ o ~

Cursory reading of profiles

3 of the women whom I met once failed to read that I had mentioned "Don't want children" on my profile while they wanted children (but hadn't displayed it on their profiles 😒). A chunk of time could have been saved all around had they noticed this in the first place.

Besides these cases, there have been numerous instances where I have had interesting conversations with women (via the app) before it eventually came up that they wanted children or that they wanted someone who would drink and/or smoke up with them.

My conclusion is that, with the sheer volume of digital content and stimulation that we are exposed to, people casually skimming profiles is expected. To save time and avoid such disappointments, I now draw attention to these aspects early in the conversation so that we can unmatch if there is a fundamental misalignment.

~ o ~ x ~ o ~

People are complex!

This got reinforced time and again. Feelings grow and die, priorities change, irrational/emotional decisions are made, circumstances evolve, timing matters, intangibles matter... One woman decided I wasn't impulsive enough for her tastes while another decided that, though she enjoyed the time we spent, she didn't want her life partner to be someone who she met through a dating app. One woman concluded that she would never be physically attracted to me while another pivoted and decided that polyamory was more her cup of tea. I also saw, up close, how past relationships and marriages can scar a person and how it deeply impacted the way they approached their interactions with me.

I learned a great deal about myself too! By pushing myself outside my introvert comfort zone, I discovered latent dimensions to my personality: the ability to discuss deep matters and open up to people I'd recently met; the willingness to risk vulnerability; the resilience to continue being immersed in this personal journey despite baffling shocks; the premium that I place on respecting time and putting in effort; and my need to have space and independence even if I am in a relationship.

~ o ~ x ~ o ~

Unfortunately (or fortunately - who knows?!), I'm still single! Looking back at these experiences, I can definitely say that my initial curiosity has been well and truly satiated! 😂